Being a dad... by Ni Lah

Want to be a good dad? Hard job these days... But I believe many men nowadays are great fathers. Better fathers than their fathers. I know some really good dads. They great with their kids. They help and support their partner, the mother of their kid or kids. I know a few of them are not even live in fathers. But they still great fathers. So what makes a great father?

I believe it is pretty much the same like being a good mom. But there is more to it. Because a father is more on the passive side in the first few years. They sometimes have to step back big time and feel like only decoration, money and food provider.. But a good father is so much more. It starts when he makes the decision to be together with a woman. To be responsible for what he does. A man showing up later saying: "Well, why have you not been careful?" Just gives me a big laugh. How can a woman be careful by herself? A man is at least as much responsible for what he is doing as a woman is. So once a child is growing, it is just lovely when a man supports his partner in any way. To make one thing clear: Pregnancy is NOT a sickness. There are many women who have a wonderful time being pregnant. They on top of their beauty and health. But, pregnancy can make sick. And this is a BIG difference! The change of hormones for a woman are sometimes so powerful, it just knocks her off. Can you imagine smelling a mango 100m away? Or a running car? Or the sweaty feet of the neighbor? When you pregnant you can smell incredible good. So, men out there, if you partner cannot stand the neighbors feet, please understand her. If she needs to rest instead of party, don't stand in front of her and tell her how useless she is. Make a nice pot of herbal tea and read a book with her. Or massage her feet. And if she needs that particular ice cream at 4:30h in the morning, than simply get it. Because this is what she and the baby need right than. Join the birth. Be there. Understand what hard job it is for a woman. And don't let your mom tell you that she did all so easy. Your partner is not your mom! She is the mother of your child and an own individual. Learn as much as you can out of books about your child. Put money down for buying nice stuff for you child. Give the money with love... and more will come. Love and money! Don't worry. All will fall in place if you believe in what you doing. As a father, as a partner.

Once your baby is born another hard time is starting. Your partner is fully focused on her own recovery, the baby and talking to other mothers. But she needs you, more than ever! If she is breastfeeding (support her to do so, okay!???) than check her from time to time. She might need a drink while she is nursing. Or a pillow which is out of reach. No, she cannot get up herself, because she just got the baby sleeping after a 30 minutes cry. Take turns if your baby has a colic and is screaming on top of the lung for the last 20 hours. Be there. Be supportive and fun.

As soon as your child is in a age to go off mom for a few hours, take over the job at least two times a week. So your partner has her own space. Time out. She will come back, be happy and full of energy. I sometimes meet dads on "dad shifts" and they really enjoy it if they made the decision: This is the right thing to do. It helps also to build up a great relationship with your child. I cannot stand dads, which just take their kids to go off and have a drink with the buddies while the kids hang around a bar bored and unhappy.

Sadly sometimes I met fathers, they don't even know the birth date of their children. Sadly their are man who run off before the child is even born. Sadly their are fathers they tell me: "I don't know, my wife takes care of the children. Ask her." I never worked out what these man have in mind. What they think life is about. Why they leaving their children behind, no matter how bad the situation for them will be.

Children need their fathers to be a sample of how men are. If you show no respect for your partner, how will your son lean to respect his partner one day? If you teach your son not to hold his mothers hand, because that is not very male. How can he ever show his feelings to a woman he loves? Teach your child how wonderful it is to be a little girl or boy. Be playful and fun. Support your partner, respect her point of views. Ask other women how they handle problems with the kids. Be a part of your families life and not a guest.

Make a start today! Feed your child, wash your child, read a book. Show your partner that you love her, even if she is worn out from a day full of screaming kids. As a single mom I know the working side and the kids side. And believe me, both is a though job. And not everybody is though enough to take it every day. We need sometimes a break from what we doing. House work, children, job. Other ways we get mad...

If you are a not living in father, join the life of your kids as much as possible. Call them every single day. Ask them about the high light of the day. Ask them what THEY want to do next time you see them. Ask them what they did in school today. Be a part of their life. Don't think, ah, next week they can tell me what they did. No! They need to tell you today! Children living today and not in the next week. And never, never ever make a promise and don't keep it. If you promise you keep the promise. If you cannot keep the promise, than don't promise. Say: "Okay, I will see how I can manage it, but I do not promise you." Just turn it around: How do you feel if someone breaks a promise. If someone ask you to come to a meeting and than you sit there and wait and... nobody turns up. Than you call and... "Sorry, I forgot!" How does that make you feel? So think next time when you make a promise to your child!

I hope some dads out there reading this. I hope some of them understand. I hope these are the men who need to understand. The ones who are not really a part of their kids life. Pick the phone now and call your child. Tell him or her how much you love her/him. Please!!!

Ni Lah - Editor Bali for Kids.com for all the kids and dads out there...