Being a mom... by Ni Lah

There is so much to it... being a mom... - as a mother you have to understand that in the first years of your child the most important "everything" is... YOU. Mami is all. If the relationship with the mother is disturbed in any way within the first 4 years a child will carry the pattern all his or her life.

Being a mom starts the moment you decide to have a child one day. Means you going to live a healthy life to keep you body fit and free of pollution. Means if you drinking, smoking, taking legal or illegal drugs or just life on junk food you really should think about if you want to have a child. The toxination of your body will go into your child and it will be born with possible low immune system, birth defects and low health. Do you really want that? Or you think you super woman and your baby will be just fine??? I just had a case of a local mother who thought it does not matter what she eats in her pregnancy. I had many talks with here during her pregnancy as she never eat enough and what she ate was plain rice and sweets. She never went in the sun, because she was afraid of getting brown. Well her son was born and immediately suffered from Jaundice which for sure... got treated in the hospital. Now he is one year and far behind in his development. He cannot hold his head up, nor put his hands into his mouth. I am not surprised, even I feel so bad for the little boy. He now gets treatments in Bumi Sehat and we all hope he might catch up. So the life style of a becoming mother is really very, very important.

Next important thing is... Rubella. I am normally totally against vaccination. But if you never had Rubella as a child, you are a woman over 16 years, than you should have a blood test done to check if you got antibodies for Rubella. If not than you should consider a vaccination. Not being vaccinated for Rubella, could have fatal results for your baby if you pregnant. I had a case some years ago where the mother got Rubella in the first 6 weeks. Her son is now 6 years, he is deaf and probably impotent. If she would have had the easy Rubella vaccination her son could life a normal life. Many women do not even realize they have Rubella, as it can run in a very mild version, like a little rush. You might not even realize you had it, later wondering why your child is having certain birth defects. In some European countries it is now standard to test teenage girls and suggest a vaccination. Still the best way to get immune is to put your child together with kids who are running Rubella, so they can get their immunity in a natural way. Rubella is a very mild disease which normally runs it circle without bigger problems. But I would never vaccinate a child under 16 years or even a baby... And boys don't have to worry as far as I know.

Being a mom means you should be with your child most of the time the first two years. Your child needs the security of "mom is there", so later they will be more confident people. Develop less fears and... and I am 100% sure about this - be much more happier adults. I know, these days women want to make a career. Want to have all at the same time. But hold on... I think if you decide to be a mom than this is the most important thing in your life. It is not something you just do on the side. Like having a Yoga class. I am a working mom too, it is hard sometimes, but I am with my daughter all the time. I have to step back, but I know it is the best I can do for my child. It is the natural way it has to be. I know, that many women have to work to feed the family. I have good friends, the mother is a tailor. She was trying to take her son to work or leaving him with the grand parents. The boy had more and more problems. Was screaming, did not sleep. So they went to the owner of the factory and the deal was done. She is working at home now. Her son is playing in the garden. He can sleep any time and play free. Has fresh air and sun. And most important - his mom. She only can do about 70% of the work she would do in the factory, but they pay her per piece and her husband is having a good job too. So they alright. I believe there is always a solution if you really want to be with your child. These days I see many kids with sad and empty eyes at playgrounds and playgroups. I hear them saying: "I want also my mommy picking me up!" I see their babysitters playing with their hand phones while the child is bored and lonely all day. I have to leave my child sometimes too, but I always looked that she does not cry when I leave. I also give her something to look forward to when mommy is coming back. Like I would bring some special food or a little surprise. I gave always order that she can call me any time and talk to me and she did call me quite often. Apart from a few times it always worked out that my child did not feel to much abandoned. I hear many times from parents and teachers that "they get used to it". No, they don't! They get used to the abandoned feeling yes, but they don't get over the grief. They will carry this grief all their life. "Why did mom leave me alone?" I often hear from adults "My mom had to give me away when I was 3 years. It was really hard for me. I still feel bad when I think about this time." How did you feel if your mom gave you away? Do you have to repeat her errors? You child still has time to become indipendent between 5 - 16 years, why when it is still small? When it is to small to understand why you have to leave it.

Being a mom means to love your child always. To show your child that you love it. It is a good thing to say: "I love you very much, but I don't like what you just did." Never say: "If you behave like this mommy does not love you anymore." Never take your love away from your child. Love with no limits is love of a mother. In Erich From's "The Art of Loving" is very well described what mother love is: It is love with no limits. Always. It is a basic feeling your giving your child: It is good I am there. It is good I am a girl/a boy. It is good to live. But you only can be a good and loving mom if you also a happy mom. You need to find the way in your life to deal with all matters to give your child a balanced life. This can be very hard sometimes, but it will benefit your child and you.

Being a mom means your child trusts you in any situation. You child can always come to you. Whatever situation it will face. A call to mom and help is on the way. Later the trouble can be sorted out. But your child needs to be able to trust you enough to come to you first. If it is about an abouse, about a problem in school or later with a lover. Mom needs to be the one who can be consulted any time. Even in the middle of the night. This is not always easy, as big problems come in teenage times and this is the time were you child will cut off from you for all manners if you want or not. Stay tuned all the time, but don't get involved to much. So once they need you you know what's up. Have names and numbers of friends, know them. At least it is a little help.

Being a mom is also the ability to let your child go when it is time for them to go their own way. The moment when you finally realize that "your job is more or less done" should be taken with happiness. You should be proud that your child is able now to go its own ways and to decide what is wrong or right. Mothers which still get involved in the life of their children when they already left the house cannot let go. It also means they need to hold on their children, as they have nothing eels. But the more you let them go the more they will come back to you. It is this balance to teach your child when it is still little. To show you will be there when needed, but step back if they go by their self. I am full of happiness when my daughter is standing more and more on her own feet. From walking alone, to getting dressed herself, to have a shower by herself, to decide what food she wants at the restaurant. And one day the job she will take or the man she will go out with. But it is my turn now to show her the right ways and turns.

Being a mom means a 24 hours job. For at least 17 or 18 years. It means you have to skip a plan if your child is sick. You might have to be at home for a week if you child is having a flu. You might not get enough sleep for a long time. You on the edge very often, but need to stay calm. Big thing, isn't it? Some people think it is so easy to stay at home and being a mom. Well, ask them to wake up 6 times a night next to a screaming child which is having fever and feels bad. I bet they might understand that it not so easy.

Being a mom also means to raise a new generation to make our world better, cleaner and wiser. Teaching little boys and girls how to be good men and women is the essence of this "JOB". Raising men who do not dominate women, but respect and support women. Raising women who a confident enough to life their life's equal to men. I personally adore men who support their wife's and daughters in any way. They have no fear of loosing their men hood by respecting women. Men who don't sit down and let their wife's do all the homework and all the kids jobs. Men who clean their babies popos and get a drink for their wife's. But also women who don't have to control men via their sexuality and sex. Who just living their life as full and rich person. Who overcome restricting traditions and help each other in a women's world. But men and women can only be like this if their mom gave them the basic of understanding...

I hope I could put a little seed out for you moms out there. Cut a little bit off for the benefit of your child. Does your child really have to be the best in all? The first in a competition? The most beautiful one? The strongest? What about more fun and happiness? In stet of each birthday party on the track, spent time with your child reading or talking. Meditating or just relaxing. Sit down and watch the birds or the fish in the pond. Explain your child why people do things. Perhaps the wrong things. Explain them how it would work better. And never forget a... "I LOVE YOU" - every day! It shall be never forgotten...

Ni Lah - Editor Bali for Kids.com for all the mothers in the world